reflections

been so long since i blogged. haha aimed to kept on blogging bout life in manchester a few months back. but obviously it failed. so here i am. many months later. with plenty of free time on my hand. haha. to remind the future me when i read back next time, the context for me to blog this time is that i finished my VA, nothing to do, so just stay up for the Eng vs Wales WC qualifier. haha so lame. just watch lo since nothing to do tmr. and ms lai coming over tmr to laze anyway. so can have a late night. :)

hmm life is always so complicated isnt it? just when you think you are close to this person, the person will prove you wrong. haha. prove you wrong by doing stuff that imply you dont matter as they do to you. is that a fair relationship? or is it too much to ask for a perfectly fair relationship? quite hard la i must admit. how to measure such stuff. but still, it can be viewed objectively in some ways or another.

wah lao. jay chou's shi jie mo ri comes on just as im reflecting on relationships. haha what a emo nemo song. sort of hesitating what to say. cos im so unsure of who and what context will others/myself view my blog posts when its being re-read. but i just want to say i really appreciate the kind of life I have thus far. as much as i complain about SMS/SAFOS, Humanities Prog, SOH, Oxford/LSE, little obstacles in my life that i did not conquer, but i must say I had it good for most part of my 21 years. to have such a loving and close family, though not perfect and close as i envisioned, but still, closer and happier than most families, to have such a loving and understanding gf, who nv fails to be by me, who forgives me repeatedly, to have a career ahead of me that most people will die to have, to have such a wonderful opportunity to study overseas, to have... OMG. another song to break my train of thoughts. If we hold on together by Diana Rose. :)))

Think when i read back, all these will sound like ramblings. haha like whatever i feel, i type. but isnt blog post supposed to be like this? type what you feel? :) hopefully a happier me will read this again and feel nostalgic. which this song is making me feel already. suddenly feel so much love. HAHA like i cant stop love from pouring out from me. Alright! Resolution of the day: to be patient when driving and stop lapsing into fits of anger by inconsiderate drivers. I should be nice and loving to others :) haha

back to relationships, as i process what thoughts are more significant to be typed, i realise life is like these thoughts. it zoom past as fast as it appeared. like our friends and relationships. thats why i treasure my close friends alot. RV bballers, FFs, CY, Clara, BR, ZY. maybe in time to come, WWM. hmm wondered if i had been a deserving friend. have i contributed enough to these friendships as i expect from them? hopefully i did. yea kinda lame typing all these stuff now. but i hope it can give me some insight in future when i look back upon the past me :)

for now, the plan is to make full use of my last 2 weeks of my 1st summer break :) spend more time with gf and family. Love those that deserved my love properly. Yup! thats it! :) <3. guess i can be quite a mushy and sensitive person on reflection haha. signing off, with an hour plus left to kickoff. :)

what a diff a few months make. now mucss is the mortal enemy while mssm are the friends. shows how much it means to others when you show support for them. yes. its support and encouragement that makes relationships tick.

just had a quarrel with dear. haiz. dont know what to say too. its like this always happen after i had done something sweet for her. just posted a letter back to her for mothers' day. thought it will let her know that im constantly thinking of her and it will be a nice surprise. sucks. and we quarreled precisely cos we thought each other didnt care bout what the other thought and went through. she thought i couldnt emphatise with her after a long day at work and i thought she couldnt understand how i felt after seeing pictures of nbl and shengyu on the winning team.

im supposed to be there man. on the winning team. playing for the slingers. carving a niche for myself in bball. instead, here i am. studying in manchester. wondering where it will take me. a career in politics? with pap? with opposition? long career in the SAF? leave after my bond is up? is that what i want in my life? just a simple family lifestyle that i can sustain on my own? or a life that i can look back and be proud of? idealism vs realism. show me the light somebody. what do i want? is it even possible for me to become a politician? im just an SAS(O) scholar. scholar doesnt sound appropriate. im just a farmer. while the SMS and SAFOS people are the leaders. fuck. back to the scholarship saga. seriously wonder what i did wrong that cost me SMS. FML. am i really that successful for me to feel satisfied? cos im not. im struggling to make ends meet. all cos im on this shit scholarship. and the next 6 years i will be tied down. yea can imagine her going on about it. its your choice. live with it. does anyone really understand? i made the choice in those circumstances. just gotta get through with this. and the 6 years bond. im sure i will come out of it a better man. its always not too late to start pursuing my dreams.

yet, the question remains: whats my dream?

....cant stop me from feeling happy and optimistic :) finally i get to see familiar faces tmr:) godmum and family are coming...and looking forward to d and d :)

went shopping for d and d with weiming and qiyu:) hmmm...sometimes i still have the nagging insecurity...that im not really wanted by others...like they all have their own cliques...and when they have activities, they might accidentally forget me...like the recent guys' night out that weiming nigel davidson went...thought cos we are going to be living together next year they should be closer to me? no? i just feel left out when they start whispering and talking things i dont understand...like everyone will have their secret keeping clique of friends here...only time i felt liddat was when weiming and i gossiped over skype...dont know mann...and nigel and aloysius just so easily forgot bout the standard thursday lunch date...just add on to the insecurity i feel...guess me not attending orientation is a damn big disadvantage...thats why i want to be part of SSSM comm...at least i will get to work with people and know them better...hopefully i get in and the comm will be a tightly knitted one...:)

on a lighter note, was seriously touched when i saw ms lai's tweet...still honeymoon period after 6 years :))))) i love this woman so much that i cant imagine my life w/o her...as much as there are so many girls here, but im not interested at them at all... maybe thats why im not invited to the guys' night out...they were worried that i might become a dampener or 'controller'....still i cant wait to see her in another 18 days time :) after feeling so envious when i see hm and daryl and nigel and jamie...haha...

went back to the other rv bballers' ebloggy blogs to read bout bball....almost felt like crying...miss those times...although they might never come back, at least i still have those group of friends...really miss basketball and them....couldnt think what i will become like if i didnt choose to go rv....wave of nostalgia i guess...getting old already....now worried bout money matters...haiz....life is becoming more complicated...really miss the rv bball days...where i can just enjoy bball and the guys' company....feel like crying now....especially when the phrase cheng ba quan guo comes to mind and the song 'heartbreak warfare' playing in the background....so many things i will do to change to reverse the result....but the process...i wouldnt want to change it...:) miss my team...

this is such a nice tiny outlet for me to say how i really feel...no pretense or putting up a facade while worrying how others think...cos ebloggy is almost dormant to most....but its a reprieve for me...esp in a foreign land with few true friends....getting tired of korfball....dont know why too...maybe its just that i miss bball too much...why must i quit the team....beginning to regret it now...but not sure if i will really be happy if i stayed...at least korfball gave me some respite and happiness....cant everyone remain oblivious to others' background and past? so ironic i know...as much as i want others to share stuff and ask me out , but i feel comfortable them not knowing too much of me....as much as i want them to be concerned bout me....

didnt expect the 20year old me to start keeping a diary now...haha...but it just feels so comfortable to say what i really feel...im no angel...dont really like some people too...but just not used to posting it directly...too much public viewing on fb made me too accoustomed to the public eye....slowly easing my way into my own personal cocoon....:) its not that a bad thing...

guess will only show ms lai this some long long time from now...:) for now its my little personal respite...:) so that when we quarrel at least i got something to talk to... as much as i want to find a friend here to talk to, nobody seem to be on that good terms with me....thats why cant wait for cy to come next year:)

thats my longest ever outpouring of feelings...but i guess i will better it more times from now on....i love you diary...haha sounds gay...:)) 18 days to you dear:)

bball and love...:)))

Omg...dont know what brought me back :) so happy to find my little diary around still :) gotta go sleep already...haha...brand new chapter of my life but some things never change....like my habit of "...." :P hahaha... hmm will update again soon! for now, my little diary, this is just to let you know your owner is back for you :)) good night UK and good morning Singapore :)

be a man...haha...saying byebye to the world...going to serve my country...yea...;)
will miss ya dear:)take good care of yourself k...will come out soon!:)

merry belated xmas and happy boxing day...:)
hmm...a lonely 4 days await...have to grind through this solitude while ms lai flies to HK with family....yea...as much as i want her with me 10days to NS, i also want her to enjoy some quality shopping and family time...haha...:)...so take care k my dear....and enjoy yourself...
meanwhile i will spend these few days with different groups of friends....today is 4g's belated xmas gathering...should change it to boxing day gathering...haha...yup..should be staying over at beiru's house...hopefully no more repeat of the drunken fiasco last year...just some clean good fun...:)..and a little drinking game will do...haha...
hmm....very lazy to do 2008 reflections...haha....though this is one of my freest days....the lazy bug prevails...haha...shall reflect some other time...

i'm happy with everything in my life now...nothing more to ask for...im contented...so for xmas, i just want the status quo to remain....like our fantastic xmas evening spent around candles, flowers and moonlight...:)

haha...finally felt like blogging again in a very long while...:P...maybe cos got nth much to do and the realization that NS is creeping up on me makes me want to blog b4 i cant...haha...

anyway just came back from australia from the pacific school games....it was great...the games the people and the atmosphere...i enjoyed it alot...and esp the times i had with "Black Cold"....haha....great team...really hope that we can keep in touch and continue to play ball together,be it officially or not...

a certain sense of nostalgia hit i guess...haha...just feel that for all life's ups and downs, i am still the person i was 6 years ago when i first stepped into Rv with a matured consciousness....i never intend to hurt anyone or derail anyone's lifes...but i undersstand that the world is so interconnected that our actions are accountable to others too...yea....so sorry to all whose life have been negatively affected by me....i really mean it...

hmm....im a happy boy/man/guy now...haha...got everything that i ever need i guess...really....and ms lai is now part of the family...;)...yup....hope i can update again soon....have to prepare to meet ms lai...:)

PS: this sounds weird i guess...more like a personal account than a reflection...like anyone willl really remember bout my blog:P
haha...cheers to school life....:)