9/5/12

no idea how to start my blogpost. just know that writing in it will help to make me feel better and clear my mind. been staring at the screen and whiling my time away for the past 8hours except dinnertime. dinner was great. rebs cooked rosti with pork and salmon and i enjoyed every bit of it. but somehow, i felt empty inside.

10hours ago, i got news that grandpa was hospitalised again. at first, i thought it was for the usual symptoms and illnesses. then called mum, and she said he suffered a heart attack. thats when it triggered off panic in me, so the first question i asked was "how is he now?". mum said he appeared to be alright. but had been asking weird questions and saying weird stuff. like he wanted to borrow money to buy stuff from carts that he could see around. at this point, our whole world crashed. is it really possible for grandpa to see another world? possibly the world of the afterlife? isnt this what jw's grandma had seen before she passed away?

felt so much like crying aft the call. but i couldnt cos i was meeting andy and gang for lunch at try thai. almost thought i would burst out crying when i was queuing at the cashier at tesco while buying groceries for the rosti and the apple sauce for the pork. luckily i held it back.

mum said that another heart attack would be fatal. cos the balloon in grandpa's heart has already lost its use. and the best they could do is to do an angiogram to identify the arteries causing the blockage. but the risks are that it would cause a stroke or cause excessive bleeding or trigger off another heart attack which would then be fatal. i guess thats better than doing nothing and waiting for the fatal heart attack to happen. or am i too selfish? to want to keep grandpa alive at all costs so that i can make it back to see him? will it be less painful for him to just accept his fate and pass on peacefully?

they got called back to the hospital after dinner cos grandpa was making alot of noise. apparently he couldnt rmb why he was in the hospital and why there were so many tubes in him and he wanted to take them out. is that his subconsciousness telling him enough is enough? and that he no longer have to put up with all that pain?

finally let out all the tears that have been stuck in me. as i cried, i could picture gonggong being nice to me and treating me like his favourite grandchild since young. all the durians that he bought for me, bringing me to the playground, saving my favourite chicken wings for me, buying the toys that i wanted and make a hell of a noise for. i rmb him growing old gracefully and his hair greying, rmb me drifting apart from me as i enter teenagehood. seldom visiting him except for the occasional meals at his place. i hope the past few years since NS hasnt been too late in terms of me trying to make up to him all the lost filial piety. i love gonggong, but i know he's old and suffering too.

if its better for him to pass on, then so be it. i will accept it. albeit grudgingly.

i just want to see him one last time. it feels like i havent done enough. if he is still alive when im back in summer or for good, i promise and swear that i will try to spend as much time with him as possible. bring him eat everything that he likes. bring him to places that has memories for him, that includes back to his hometown of hainan island. pay for him and grandma to enjoy some luxuries. let them have a great time together that does not involve any quarrels. i just want him to be happy and satisfied with life when he passes on. I miss gonggong. :"(

maybe gonggong still has a few more years to go. that will be the most ideal. then i can help him complete his bucket list and anything else he wishes to accomplish in this lifetime. I know he wants to see me get married and carry his great-grandchild. i hope he can hold on till then. i really do. i wouldnt mind exchanging years of my life so that gonggong can see me get married and carry his great-grandchild. i really am willing.

i know my whole world will come crashing down if he passes on. i know thats why they dont want to tell me when gonggong is hospitalised. i guess it might affect my studies and revisions. but he is my gonggong for goodness sake. how i can not know how he is doing? how can i be kept in the dark if anything, touchwood, happens to him? how i can go on about with my exams with the thought that he's still alive and waiting for me, when he isnt and only realised it when im home?

I swear that i will do my utmost best and do well for my exams no matter what. cos i know gonggong, whether in the real world or the nether world, will want me to do well. and i will do well for him. i must. and i can.

I love you gonggong. <3

Shouldnt be updating my blog right now when i have an assessed essay due in 36hours. but well, as usual, proud of myself that I didnt left it to the last min so just left with a paragraph or 2 to complete the essay.

recently, or maybe for quite some time, i realised that i dont really like to make small talk. wonder if its normal. cos it doesnt seem like me at all. since kindergarten, im always 1 of the most talkative persons around. when did all of this change? was it in NS? or when i arrive in manchesteR? dont know if its subconscious or an intentional move. realised this when rebs kept asking me if im okay cos i've been quiet. then i realised i wasnt feeling v uneasy not contributing to the discussion. in fact, i felt perfectly alright just listening and keeping to myself.

not sure if its cos there are lots of strong characters here in manch, or cos i missed out on orientation camp which made me more reserved than i normally would be. but i sort of think that its the former. if its the former, then do i not wanna talk cos of the people or the content of discussion? am i too matured and grown up? sometimes i find the conversations v stupid and with no ends in themselves. then my first thought would be, "whats the point of talking bout such stuff?" but at other times, with people im comfortable with, i realised i can be talking lots of nonsense as well. esp with the rv bballers, or people that i feel comfortable with. so is it the people in manch that have made me who i am? this reserved and different person? gosh. dont understand why im thinking bout this. guess i dont want to seem aloof or cold towards people. but i cant help myself if i subconsciously do not want to contribute to useless conversations with people i do not like. i guess i dont like quite alot of people here in manch. or is it just me becoming more judegemental with age?? haha what a tough nut to crack. cant seem to find an answer and more questions arise.

anyway, i dont think im not enjoying manchester. but i think i might not be really enjoying the company of some people. guess in s'pore, i can always rely on my family, gf and people i want to be close to. here, we are all alone if we do not hang out with our friends. and our friends will have friends that we might not like but have to hang out together with. wow. what a dilemma. still, cant wait to be back in s'pore. again, its not that i dont enjoy life in manch. but people who i really care for are in s'pore, and that will nv change.

yup. on a good note, its just 24 days to my flight home! :D cant wait. miss ms lai so so so so so so much... 24 days and 2 papers and i will be home!

things going on really well with ms lai recently. trying to be the nice bf and always giving in to her and sounding v understanding. think its working :) guess we always quarrel cos i always pick a fight when im tired or angsty. hope not to commit the same mistakes again. like how the way things are going for the both of us and will do my best to maintain it :)

cant wait to see you in 24 days my <3 :D

back from africa. dont wanna spend this blog entry talking about my trip. guess i will reflect about africa next time. was a great trip to live my dreams and i saw a huge part of the world i have been intending to see. guess thats another item off my bucket list. been always wanting to reflect about my political inclinations and whether they are really what i harbour or if it is shaped by the education system or SAF.

my friends always view me as a patriot, and a seemingly pro-pap person. i always thought im just a balanced individual that likes to be a devil's advocate. i have both likes and dislikes with regards to the PAP's policies and i wont go out to say im a true and true pap supporter. but i guess im somewhat inclined towards the pap. for whatever i have today and whatever i think im going to achieve in future. and i acknowledge that im a patriot. i love my country. i seriously do. i can give up everything i have to defend my country. thats not cos im just a blind right-wing activist that will love my country unconditionally. its cos of the people and memories that made up s'pore that makes me love her the way i do. that's also why when i hear criticisms linking the pap to s'pore, i will always defend my country. not so much of defending the pap, but defending what i believe has made the love of my country worthwhile.

maybe im just indignant that s'poreans have so much to complain about s;pore and the pap rule that im slowly becoming pro-pap and less critical. i hope this blog entry can clarify my thoughts by my self-reflections before penning down every sentence.

are s'poreans really fortunate or are we just suffering more than we ever would under the pap? should we thank them for all that they have done, for ensuring growth and prosperity at the expense of most things in life? or should we blame them for prioritising growth and forgetting the other more important things, such as family values, morality and one's love for the country?
and am i a pap advocate because of my family background? middle-class, able to reach out and achieve my goals through my scholarship with the RSAF, living comfortably, able to afford and pay for my BTO, able to look forward to a life full of optimism? am i selfish or do so many others share the same optimism i have about the future? and if they dont, is it down to themselves for striving hard enough or have the pap policies disabled their ability to make a life out of their dreams? does streaming really disadvantage the lesser academically inclined students? is s'pore really that shallow that degrees and results count for everything? and is it really true that only the upper echelons of students and society get to enjoy the fruits of their labour while the rest lament about their fates and chances in life and plough on just to make a living? does the CPF system and no welfare benefits really entrench this social inequality in society? have i seen anyone who is really that poor to afford food and shelter in s'pore to understand what is poverty and disillusionment with our society? or are there even these people? if so, who are those that constantly complain about the pap? are they successful, or really poor and hampered by the pap's elitist policies? do they really know what they want in a government or are they complaining cos they want to? is there really a better alternative government to the pap?

i guess these questions sum up the what i feel i dont really know about politics and my train of thought. first of all, i really wonder if there are really people who will be worse off under the pap than in any other country under another government. does welfare spending really alleviates the problem of social inequality? if so, what are the consequences? i always wonder if the pap has done enough for s'poreans, and most of the time, i conclude that they had. is it because im stuck in my safety and idealistic bubble that i dont see the suffering of others? i have done cip before and met the elderly that have been abandoned by their children. few questions emerge. did our society of material pursuit that is perpetuated by the pap caused the lack of filial piety and family values?? can we attribute the abandonment of the elderly to the pap's policies? and do the elderly that i met able to put food on the table? will they starve to death without help from the government or charitable organizations? has the government contributed to the lack of starvation cases in s;pore? or are there even cases of families starving to death? is happiness measured by the lack of people starving to death, or by the inability of people to progress to the next rung of society? am i really too fortunate to grasp reality? and have the government done more than it could? will it be better or worse if the opposition came into power? will there be empty promises? or am i just biased towards the opposition? and is this anti-opp mindset cultivated by the education system and its focus on adhering to the status quo and promoting conformity?

i dont know what to think. there are so many questions and so few answers. i guess i will only know by doing more volunteering. i have seen beggars on streets all over the world, but v seldom in s;pore. and if i see a beggar in s'pore, i will always first wonder if he/she could have done some work to alleviate the poverty before thinking of donating. am i wrong to do so? should i donate generously without a thought of how to solve the roots of the problem that generates such poverty? i dont know. i always think that by donating, we are perpetuating the gain of money without having to do a single shift of work, and the mindset of "shou zhu dai tu".

im quite confused as to what constitutes a good government. and im quite confused about the furore over the pap's decisions and what they could have done. does this make me elitist? am i just fortunate thats why i couldnt emphatise with the less well-off? and am i so sheltered by my education that i have not met anyone who is really poor and struggling to make ends meet? am i just like the people in the Capitol in Suzanne Collins' Hunger Games, unable to see the lives of those who live in the external districts? and is it the majority of people who live in those districts, just that my friends all stemmed from the Capitol thats why i assume that s'poreans are well-off and should stop whining? im not sure at all. sure, there are examples and cases of people being marginalised by the decisions of the pap and policies made. but most of the time, i attribute it to one-off cases. is it likely that there is a whole lot of people that suffer from similar fates as well, just that im oblivious to their suffering? im not sure, but i know that i really want to find out. but how? volunteering? will it let me see the real big picture? or will i see only snippets and rare cases of the poor and marginalised?

seems like a good education didnt really provide me with these answers. it only gave me lenses with which to view the world. guess the quest for answers continues/begins.

been 6 mths since i blogged. not in the best of mood now. watching the heat playing the bulls and they are screwing the game up. with 2 of the top 5 players in the world on the same team and they cant win?! seriously? wtf. just shows that bball is a true team game. cant win with 2 or 3. need 5 players to work together to win games.

anyway dont think its the game that is pissing me off la. just damn sian. everytime aft a quarrel, i will have this sour sour feeling that i want to purge from my body so much but cant. its this feeling that makes one wanna throw everything within arm's length against the wall and hope tmr can arrive and everything will be alright.

why cant she just be alittle more understanding? i know im not an angel, but im already trying so hard to make things better. have she even tried? i dnt know. guess she will think that she had. why is it so hard to reconcile this difference? fml.

still, i believe things will blow over in a day or 2. just gotta calm down and talk things through. things will be the same again cos we love each other so much. what is there that cant be ironed out by love?

anyway to catch up, 6 mths on, been doing fine in sch. starting to get into the rhythm of working hard and studying what is needed to do well. hopefully my results will see the bump from 2nd upper to 1st. really wanna get the 1st and make my family proud. guess all the talk of the prestige and higher pay are secondary. whats more impt is that my parents and grandparents can feel proud of me. on that, i miss grandpa and grandma so much. cant wait to be back in june to see them and look after them. really hope grandpa can stay healthy and well till im back for good and be there at our wedding, at the birth of our first kid, at the birth of our 2nd kid and have some quality time with us and his great-grandchildren. thats my biggest wish. everytime he is admitted, my heart skips a beat and my fingers will be ready to click on the "buy" tab to get the next airticket home. oh man. talking bout this is making my mood worse. just hope time can pass faster. cant wait to be back for summer in the short term. and be back for good next summer. learnt alot studying overseas, and the most impt lesson is how impt my family is to me. thats why i hope you can be more understanding towards my concerns. dont think its asking too much.

on a lighter note, been playing bball regularly again. re-discovering the touch and passion. at my last match 2 days ago for the msoc team at campus league, was spraying passes wherever a teammate was open. love the feeling of finding the open guy and i guess my teammates love playing with me. think as a point guard, thats the best recognition 1 can have. to have his teammates enjoy playing with him. to ensure everyone can touch the ball when they are open. hopefully i can maintain this drive and train harder in my final year. guess its easier to now that i have a regular outlet to play bball. really wanna make the SEA team for the 2015 games. hopefully, just hopefully, that might come true with hardwork.

been travelling quite abit this sem. hopefully can cover most places that i wanna see before i go back to face reality and start working.always wanted to have a solo blog entry for every place that i had been to before. like a reflection of the place. maybe i will have time to do so in the future. for now, a summary will suffice.

spain in reading week was great. food was great and not too ex and the company was good. as much as i always think that huishan is not a true friend material, she always managed to make me change my mind. whats up with her or me man? haha but qiyu is much better to travel with than when we are all back at home. guess maybe cos he doesnt have that group of friends to fall back upon when overseas. anyway weather in spain was great and i enjoyed most of it.

winter was spent in london with family and iceland and italy with her. enjoyed my time with my family cos it made me realised how much i missed them. iceland was not that cold and didnt get to see northern lights so quite a wasted trip. italy was not bad. food was good though slightly pricey. but had a good time with her. though traveling almost everyday was quite tiring.

then went copenhagen aft midyears. quite cold and damn ex. just went there to see see. not much to do. but made some friends with the freshers. the company was alright.

porto solo was next. just 1 night there as i enjoyed the experience of traveling alone. something i will def do again before graduation. food was cheap and felt really free.

then came krakow with bryan and the concentration camps. was a humbling experience. food there was damn cheap. ate alot on the trip and had a good time with bryan. next trip is to africa in easter. cant wait.

fuck. not going to blog anymore. starting another fucking quarrel. fuck off.

reflections

been so long since i blogged. haha aimed to kept on blogging bout life in manchester a few months back. but obviously it failed. so here i am. many months later. with plenty of free time on my hand. haha. to remind the future me when i read back next time, the context for me to blog this time is that i finished my VA, nothing to do, so just stay up for the Eng vs Wales WC qualifier. haha so lame. just watch lo since nothing to do tmr. and ms lai coming over tmr to laze anyway. so can have a late night. :)

hmm life is always so complicated isnt it? just when you think you are close to this person, the person will prove you wrong. haha. prove you wrong by doing stuff that imply you dont matter as they do to you. is that a fair relationship? or is it too much to ask for a perfectly fair relationship? quite hard la i must admit. how to measure such stuff. but still, it can be viewed objectively in some ways or another.

wah lao. jay chou's shi jie mo ri comes on just as im reflecting on relationships. haha what a emo nemo song. sort of hesitating what to say. cos im so unsure of who and what context will others/myself view my blog posts when its being re-read. but i just want to say i really appreciate the kind of life I have thus far. as much as i complain about SMS/SAFOS, Humanities Prog, SOH, Oxford/LSE, little obstacles in my life that i did not conquer, but i must say I had it good for most part of my 21 years. to have such a loving and close family, though not perfect and close as i envisioned, but still, closer and happier than most families, to have such a loving and understanding gf, who nv fails to be by me, who forgives me repeatedly, to have a career ahead of me that most people will die to have, to have such a wonderful opportunity to study overseas, to have... OMG. another song to break my train of thoughts. If we hold on together by Diana Rose. :)))

Think when i read back, all these will sound like ramblings. haha like whatever i feel, i type. but isnt blog post supposed to be like this? type what you feel? :) hopefully a happier me will read this again and feel nostalgic. which this song is making me feel already. suddenly feel so much love. HAHA like i cant stop love from pouring out from me. Alright! Resolution of the day: to be patient when driving and stop lapsing into fits of anger by inconsiderate drivers. I should be nice and loving to others :) haha

back to relationships, as i process what thoughts are more significant to be typed, i realise life is like these thoughts. it zoom past as fast as it appeared. like our friends and relationships. thats why i treasure my close friends alot. RV bballers, FFs, CY, Clara, BR, ZY. maybe in time to come, WWM. hmm wondered if i had been a deserving friend. have i contributed enough to these friendships as i expect from them? hopefully i did. yea kinda lame typing all these stuff now. but i hope it can give me some insight in future when i look back upon the past me :)

for now, the plan is to make full use of my last 2 weeks of my 1st summer break :) spend more time with gf and family. Love those that deserved my love properly. Yup! thats it! :) <3. guess i can be quite a mushy and sensitive person on reflection haha. signing off, with an hour plus left to kickoff. :)

what a diff a few months make. now mucss is the mortal enemy while mssm are the friends. shows how much it means to others when you show support for them. yes. its support and encouragement that makes relationships tick.

just had a quarrel with dear. haiz. dont know what to say too. its like this always happen after i had done something sweet for her. just posted a letter back to her for mothers' day. thought it will let her know that im constantly thinking of her and it will be a nice surprise. sucks. and we quarreled precisely cos we thought each other didnt care bout what the other thought and went through. she thought i couldnt emphatise with her after a long day at work and i thought she couldnt understand how i felt after seeing pictures of nbl and shengyu on the winning team.

im supposed to be there man. on the winning team. playing for the slingers. carving a niche for myself in bball. instead, here i am. studying in manchester. wondering where it will take me. a career in politics? with pap? with opposition? long career in the SAF? leave after my bond is up? is that what i want in my life? just a simple family lifestyle that i can sustain on my own? or a life that i can look back and be proud of? idealism vs realism. show me the light somebody. what do i want? is it even possible for me to become a politician? im just an SAS(O) scholar. scholar doesnt sound appropriate. im just a farmer. while the SMS and SAFOS people are the leaders. fuck. back to the scholarship saga. seriously wonder what i did wrong that cost me SMS. FML. am i really that successful for me to feel satisfied? cos im not. im struggling to make ends meet. all cos im on this shit scholarship. and the next 6 years i will be tied down. yea can imagine her going on about it. its your choice. live with it. does anyone really understand? i made the choice in those circumstances. just gotta get through with this. and the 6 years bond. im sure i will come out of it a better man. its always not too late to start pursuing my dreams.

yet, the question remains: whats my dream?

....cant stop me from feeling happy and optimistic :) finally i get to see familiar faces tmr:) godmum and family are coming...and looking forward to d and d :)

went shopping for d and d with weiming and qiyu:) hmmm...sometimes i still have the nagging insecurity...that im not really wanted by others...like they all have their own cliques...and when they have activities, they might accidentally forget me...like the recent guys' night out that weiming nigel davidson went...thought cos we are going to be living together next year they should be closer to me? no? i just feel left out when they start whispering and talking things i dont understand...like everyone will have their secret keeping clique of friends here...only time i felt liddat was when weiming and i gossiped over skype...dont know mann...and nigel and aloysius just so easily forgot bout the standard thursday lunch date...just add on to the insecurity i feel...guess me not attending orientation is a damn big disadvantage...thats why i want to be part of SSSM comm...at least i will get to work with people and know them better...hopefully i get in and the comm will be a tightly knitted one...:)

on a lighter note, was seriously touched when i saw ms lai's tweet...still honeymoon period after 6 years :))))) i love this woman so much that i cant imagine my life w/o her...as much as there are so many girls here, but im not interested at them at all... maybe thats why im not invited to the guys' night out...they were worried that i might become a dampener or 'controller'....still i cant wait to see her in another 18 days time :) after feeling so envious when i see hm and daryl and nigel and jamie...haha...

went back to the other rv bballers' ebloggy blogs to read bout bball....almost felt like crying...miss those times...although they might never come back, at least i still have those group of friends...really miss basketball and them....couldnt think what i will become like if i didnt choose to go rv....wave of nostalgia i guess...getting old already....now worried bout money matters...haiz....life is becoming more complicated...really miss the rv bball days...where i can just enjoy bball and the guys' company....feel like crying now....especially when the phrase cheng ba quan guo comes to mind and the song 'heartbreak warfare' playing in the background....so many things i will do to change to reverse the result....but the process...i wouldnt want to change it...:) miss my team...

this is such a nice tiny outlet for me to say how i really feel...no pretense or putting up a facade while worrying how others think...cos ebloggy is almost dormant to most....but its a reprieve for me...esp in a foreign land with few true friends....getting tired of korfball....dont know why too...maybe its just that i miss bball too much...why must i quit the team....beginning to regret it now...but not sure if i will really be happy if i stayed...at least korfball gave me some respite and happiness....cant everyone remain oblivious to others' background and past? so ironic i know...as much as i want others to share stuff and ask me out , but i feel comfortable them not knowing too much of me....as much as i want them to be concerned bout me....

didnt expect the 20year old me to start keeping a diary now...haha...but it just feels so comfortable to say what i really feel...im no angel...dont really like some people too...but just not used to posting it directly...too much public viewing on fb made me too accoustomed to the public eye....slowly easing my way into my own personal cocoon....:) its not that a bad thing...

guess will only show ms lai this some long long time from now...:) for now its my little personal respite...:) so that when we quarrel at least i got something to talk to... as much as i want to find a friend here to talk to, nobody seem to be on that good terms with me....thats why cant wait for cy to come next year:)

thats my longest ever outpouring of feelings...but i guess i will better it more times from now on....i love you diary...haha sounds gay...:)) 18 days to you dear:)

bball and love...:)))